Back in 2019, we were all oblivious to what was to come just a year later. However, for me, 2019 is where all the chaos began. My wife was preparing to go on deployment for a whole year and I was dying inside when she gave me the news. She had been on many other deployments before and had recently returned home a few month before we met. I really was clueless to what was to come and how to handle the drastic change. It wasn’t a complete shock, though. I knew that by being with her, deployments were a possibility and I wasn’t going to stop her from going. I couldn’t, anyway. She’s going to do it anyway, but I wasn’t going to try and convince her not to either and I just wanted to be supportive. Part of me hoped that the day would never come that she was asked to go on deployment, but I knew it was just a matter of time. All we could do was spend as much time as we could together and doing the things we love. A year is a long time and we spent a lot of the beginning of our relationship together every single day. I wasn’t ready for it.
It’s now June and she received her departure date and had so much stuff in multiple luggages. You would think she was moving out. Trust me, by this time, I had cried about it a few times already. I REALLY didn’t want her to go. It was overwhelming when the day finally came to take her to the airport. I can’t remember the time, but I do remember that it was dark outside. I really didn’t want to make it harder for her, so I sucked it up and just joked and talked about our day and days to come. We parked at the airport and unloaded all her luggage to get it checked and I just tried to enjoy every second of it all. As we walked inside, I just held on to her every second I could. It was such a difficult and emotional day for me. Once it was time for her to go to the gate, it was so hard to let her leave. I felt myself tear up and fought back as much as I could. Once she started her walk to the gate, I walked to the car and cried for a bit before starting my drive home.
Once home, I felt so alone, but I wasn’t. I still had 8 eyes looking at me as soon as I walked in. I still had 4 of our doggies with me and were going to keep me busy. Life with them is a whole story on its own. I love them so much and they keep me going everyday.
The first few nights, I was super paranoid and had the home alarm system on at all times while I was home. I had one of the dogs near me most times. I usually loved listening to music loud, even when I was home alone. Except, I always expected someone to be home soon. This time was different and needed to hear everything that was going on around me at all times. I listened to music just to have some background noise now. I would lock all the doors behind me and especially my bedroom door at night when it was bedtime. I had this fear of someone breaking in while I was home asleep or showering. I’m not sure where the fear was coming from but I knew it was irrational.
Fortunately, I was able to talk to my wife most of the time. The only time I didn’t get to reach her was when she was on a flight or she was sleeping. When she left, she had not left the country just yet. She was a few states away for a couple weeks and it was easier to call, text and FaceTime. Although, I did feel like I was alone, I was still able to connect with my wife. The first few days/weeks, were the worst. I had to find new hobbies and things to handle the stress. I was terrified that it was going to be something way worse and I was going to be going through life on my own for a whole year. I was so used to doing things together, joking around all the time and enjoying our lazy days off when we could. Now I was left to figure out my days and handle a whole house with 4 dogs. All I can say is that I was overwhelmed and it wasn’t fun. As much as I loved being alone, this felt different. Honestly, I was just in my head about it all too much. I began thinking of things like “will we still be compatible when she came home?”, “would we have to relearn each other?” or “would we be two completely different people?”. Looking back now, I wish I was better equipped to handle all this stress and learned of better ways to cope at times. I know I stressed my wife out at times too and she didn’t deserve that. Especially, because she took the sacrifice to be away from home for us.
On part 2 of this, I’ll breakdown some of the things I did during the first half of the year to help myself. I still don’t know how I made it, tbh.
